{"id":3944,"date":"2014-04-11T05:55:59","date_gmt":"2014-04-11T09:55:59","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.allandouglas.com\/blog\/?p=3944"},"modified":"2025-04-21T01:56:39","modified_gmt":"2025-04-21T05:56:39","slug":"prejudice-in-communications","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/pineymountainfoster.org\/thoughts\/prejudice-in-communications\/","title":{"rendered":"Pride and Prejudice in Family Communications"},"content":{"rendered":"

This, Dear Reader is a tale of disaster averted.\u00a0 I will use an episode in my relationship with my wife to illustrate how a little consideration before communication can avert an extended stay in the dog house.\u00a0 The Old Saying for this week: \u201cMake sure the brain is in gear before engaging the mouth.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Gender Bias<\/h2>\n

\"GenderEven in our \u201cenlightened\u201d times where traditional roles and expectations for males and females are being rewritten, we often find that certain things are \u2013 generally speaking \u2013 reserved as hallowed ground for one gender or the other.\u00a0 For instance; household roles of lawn mowing, auto mechanics and operation of a large barbeque grill are almost always reserved for the family member with the highest levels of testosterone coursing through their veins, and that is usually \u2013 not always, but usually \u2013 the alpha male, Big Daddy, The Man.\u00a0 This is especially true if this alpha male has a long history with the particular task in question.<\/p>\n

Frictions can arise in situations where the non-dominant gender in any arena should challenge the dominant gender of that arena.\u00a0 For instance, should the alpha male attempt to enlighten the pack\u2019s females on the proper fitting of a brassiere, without being an underwear engineer with a PHD in lingerie construction, hackles will rise and fur will fly.<\/p>\n

However, sometimes it is better, when these things come up, to set aside the base instinct reaction and employ a more reasoned response.<\/p>\n

A Case In Point<\/h2>\n

One Sunday morning Marie and I got into the truck to go to church.\u00a0 I turned the key, fully expecting to hear the familiar quick rowr-rowr-rowr of the starter motor turning over the engine followed by the purr of combustion indicating a successful start.\u00a0 Instead all we heard was the rapid metallic fluttering of a solenoid failing to engage.\u00a0 I knew that sound all too well.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve been working on cars since I was 8 or 9.\u00a0 My dad was a jet engine mechanic and did all of our auto repairs himself, and as soon as I was tall enough to see over a fender I was out there handing him wrenches and intently watching as he worked.\u00a0 I have worked as a mechanic for two dealerships and as a freelance mechanic until some yahoo backed a truck up to my garage while I was away and stole everything.\u00a0 Because I wasn\u2019t properly insured that put me out of business.\u00a0 Since then I tinker, but have turned my primary focus elsewhere.\u00a0 But I still know a thing or two about the mechanical aspect of cars.<\/p>\n

I explained my diagnosis to Marie; \u201cFailed starter solenoid, maybe the starter \u2013 a bad spot in the commutator maybe but since we\u2019ve had no trouble before that\u2019s not likely.\u00a0 Solenoids can just quit suddenly.\u201d<\/p>\n

She asked, \u201cCould it be the battery?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, not likely.\u00a0 If it were a low battery the solenoid would still kick the starter onto gear with the flywheel and the starter would try to turn.\u00a0 The starter isn\u2019t engaging at all.\u00a0 If the battery were so low it couldn\u2019t even kick the solenoid, the interior and dash lights would dim when I turn the key.\u00a0 They don\u2019t.\u00a0 I think it\u2019s the solenoid.\u201d<\/p>\n

We went back inside.\u00a0 Marie went straight to the computer.\u00a0 I put our church things away.<\/p>\n

A few moments later Marie stated, \u201cThe internet says that a low battery can cause the solenoid to not engage.\u00a0 Do you think we should just check the battery?\u201d<\/p>\n

Moment of Truth<\/h2>\n

\"argument<\/a>Guys, if placed in this situation, how would you react? \u00a0Be honest!<\/p>\n

Most of the guys I know \u2013 not all, but most \u2013 will see the fact that their wife went to the computer for advice as a screaming statement of \u201cI don\u2019t trust you\u201d or \u201cI think you\u2019re an idiot.\u201d And would either get angry or sulk for the rest of the day.\u00a0 And I\u2019ll admit that the animal nature in me caused a prickling in the base of my neck as the hackles began to rise.\u00a0 But before those prickly hackles could make the incredibly short leap from brain stem to vocal cords and gush out in some insanely stupid and insensitive burst of rebuttal, I managed to waylay them long enough to consider the situation.<\/p>\n

1)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Yes, this *looks* like a statement of distrust, or an accusation of stupidity, but is it really? Do we, the reasonable brain cells of this being, have other evidence that she does not trust us?\u00a0 No, not really<\/em><\/strong>.\u00a0 Have we not personally witnessed her describing us with such words as \u201cbrilliant\u201d, \u201cgenius\u201d and \u201cwonderfully talented\u201d?\u00a0 Yes, yes we have<\/em><\/strong>.<\/p>\n

2)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/em><\/strong>Can we say that we have never made a mistake or erred in judgment?\u00a0 Well, no, there was that one time\u2026\u00a0 ok, maybe twice.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

3)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/em><\/strong>Have we ever, in similar situations, made a snap judgment as to her intentions and blurted out something that proved totally inaccurate and deeply hurtful?\u00a0 Um, well, uh\u2026 yes.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

4)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 What can be the harm in humoring her request?\u00a0 Can it possibly prove so labor intensive or costly as to be worth inciting an argument?\u00a0 Umm\u2026 no<\/em><\/strong>.<\/p>\n

Understand, dear readers, that this discussion between the 17 reasonable and enlightened cells of my brain took all of 29.378 nanoseconds and all the while there were 34 billion animal brain cells running laps around my cranium screaming and howling like a pack of wolves.\u00a0 It took a bit longer for the Committee of Reason to reign in enough of that wild, slobbering\u00a0 pack to form a coherent vocalization of, \u201cOk, I\u2019ll get the battery charger.\u201d<\/p>\n

Vindication?<\/h2>\n

I installed the battery charger and retired to the sofa to amuse myself with some blog-hopping on the netbook.\u00a0 An hour later I went back out and twisted the key, fully expecting to be vindicated by the fluttering sound of a failed solenoid.<\/p>\n

I was greeted instead by the starter spinning up and igniting a steady flow of internal combustion.<\/p>\n

I will admit to a momentary feeling of humiliation as I admitted to myself,\u00a0 \u201cOK, that\u2019s three.\u201d<\/p>\n

But that passed quickly.\u00a0 Partly due to the fact that Marie\u2019s request was delivered to me in a \u201clets look at options\u201d manner not a \u201cyou\u2019re an idiot\u201d manner.\u00a0 Partly due to the fact that I know her to be an intelligent and well considered person.\u00a0 Partly because I knew that there would be no, \u201cSee; I was right, nana nana na na!\u201d coming.\u00a0 She would handle it with the grace and poise that she always does.\u00a0 Um, I\u2019m mean on both previous occasions.<\/p>\n

We drove the truck into town, had the parts store check the electrical system and found the battery to be bad.\u00a0 It was replaced at minimal cost because it was still under warranty.\u00a0 And he checked the system again.\u00a0 Good to go.<\/p>\n

Now that it\u2019s all over there are a few animal brain cells baying and licking their wounded pride, but by and large the pack recognizes that this was in fact another event of successful communication between a loving couple.\u00a0 By taking just a few moments to consider my thoughts I avoided a moronic response that would have caused considerable, needless hurt to my beloved, and much remorse on my part.<\/p>\n

In Summary<\/h2>\n

Guys, I can not recommend strongly enough that you too take a moment to consider your response when those prickly hackles begin to howl and lunge toward your larynx as a result of something said by wife or younglings.<\/p>\n

Gals, how you offer alternatives and guidance is very important.\u00a0 Unlike you,\u00a0who thrive on love and acceptance, a man\u2019s self confidence is driven by the need for respect and a feeling of providership.\u00a0 When you kick that out from under us you become very hurtful.<\/p>\n

Life is much simpler for all if we just take a moment to think before we speak.<\/p>\n