Effective communication between men and women has always been a issue of contention. Let’s look at why that is.
In the 1960’s what is now called Second Wave Feminism began to build up steam as it tried to tell the world that men and women are – apart from some reproductive organs – identical. This movement took up the mantra of the First Wave Feminists, which began in the 15th century, that women should have rights and opportunities equal to men. And indeed they should and great strides have been made on that front.
The second wave added the ideology that men and women think just alike. In the 1970’s gender neutrality became a big issue, and has had major repercussions in our society ever since. Aside from divergent physiology, says this theory, a woman is simply a man with a keenly honed fashion sense, and conversely, a man is just a woman who can’t dance and refuses to dust.
More recently people are again deciding that while all citizens deserve equal rights, opportunities and treatment, men and women do indeed have differing thought processes. Many books have been written on this subject. Here are just a few:
I have no intention of launching into a discourse probing the depths of this subject. The books mentioned above do that. This is just a blog post. What I want to talk about here is the fact that because we do approach things differently, we will react to things differently. Understanding at least a few of these differences can greatly simplify our lives, especially the relationship with our spouse.
A Little Levity
Allow me to lighten things up a bit for a moment. They say a picture is worth a thousand words, so I’ll shorten this article on communication by 1000 words with the following:
OK, that’s over simplifying things a bit, but it gets us headed down the right path. Let’s use a real life example as an illustration that we can discuss.
Real Life Communication Example – Kevin & Lisa
Kevin and Lisa had been married for 12 years, had three kids, and a fairly typical home life. They decided to do something special and get out on a date night. They hired a sitter for the kids and went out for dinner and a movie.
On the way home, they talked about the movie for a while then lapsed into silence. After a bit Lisa asked, “Do you want to stop for ice cream?”
Kevin was driving and his thoughts went something like this as he considered the question; he had had a big dinner and was not hungry, he did not feel a need for sweets at the moment, and it was getting late – he replied, “No, I don’t care for any ice cream.”
They drove along in silence for a few minutes longer and Kevin’s attention was caught by a small sound. He looked over at Lisa and found she had tears streaming down her face.
“What in the world is wrong with you?”
“Nothing – just drive!”
What had happened here? It took a little while to get it all sorted out, but when Lisa asked Kevin if he wanted to stop for ice cream, her motivation was not hunger, or a sweet tooth. It was more the fact that with three kids, they rarely got to spend quality time together; just the two of them. Yes, yes, when they closed their bedroom door they were together, but that was different. This was quality time together. This was romantic. She was enjoying it so much that she wanted to stretch it out a bit. She wanted her husband all to herself just a little longer.
Kevin’s statement that he did not want any ice cream came as a rejection of her.
However, in Kevin’s defense; Lisa did not ask, “Would you like to spend a little more time with me; we could stop for some ice cream?”
During their date, Lisa had commented, “This is nice, I’m glad we did this.” But did not explain what she was glad of or what it meant to her, she simply expected Kevin to understand. While he too was enjoying the respite, and agreed, he did not comprehend the depth of or reason for Lisa’s enjoyment.
Had there been more communication between them, and less assumption, the date would undoubtedly have ended with ice cream instead of tears.
Avoiding Generalities
Each of us is different. This makes making sweeping, generalized statements about any subset of humanity difficult at best and grossly inaccurate at worst. All manner of discrimination have been born of making such statements because there are always exceptions to any ‘rule’ of society and human behavior.
With this in mind, let us forge ahead in making some brief, sweeping, generalized statements about the differences in the way men and women think and approach things!
- Men tend to be more black and white, on or off, fact or fiction in their thinking. Women have less trouble finding and exploring the gray areas.
- Men often feel they have something to prove to the world, a need to be bold, to be a leader. While women too can become effective leaders, this generally comes more through a nurturing attitude than a Napoleonic complex.
- Women tend to solve problems through their sensitivity and emotion; men tend to take a logical, analytical approach.
- For men, solving the problem is the goal; unrelated details matter little. Women like to understand the situation and the people involved enroute to a solution.
- A man’s self esteem is driven by respect and a feeling of providership. A woman’s self esteem is driven more by a feeling of being loved, accepted and needed.
Evidence
When Decision Analysts, Inc., did a national survey on male-female relationships, one question for men read: “Even the best relationships sometimes have conflicts on day-to-day issues. In the middle of a conflict with my wife, I am more likely to be feeling:
A. That my wife doesn’t respect me right now.
B. That my wife doesn’t love me right now.
Not surprisingly, 81.5 percent of men chose “A.” The same question on the women’s version of the survey yielded similar results for the “B” answer.
This survey only substantiated what students of human nature already know: women need to feel loved, and men need to feel respected.
Not Quite Opposing Views
Because men and women interpret things from a bit different viewpoint, their reaction to things may also be different. When we are dealing with situations of communication between a man and a woman, a common ground is essential for communications to succeed.
Neither of us can expect our spouse to give up their psyche and think just like we do… we are not wired to do that. But if we at least acknowledge the differences and try to understand them, we will become more sensitive to the needs of the other. Then our lives and communications will be simplified.
That’s my 20 cents worth (inflation you know), how about you; do you agree? Disagree? Do you have examples of having lived through such an instance yourself? How did you resolve it?
