The following plays on words (puns) have been around the internet for some time. I cannot claim any of them as original (mine), only collected here for your enjoyment.
A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.- A will is a dead giveaway.
- Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
- A backward poet writes inverse.
- In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.
- A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
I tried to catch some fog. I mist.- If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
- With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
- Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat miner.
- When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
- The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
- A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
- When chemists die they barium.
- You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
- Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
- He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
- A calendar’s days are numbered.
- A lot of money is tainted: ‘Taint yours, and ‘taint mine.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.- He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
- A plateau is a high form of flattery.
- The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
- Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
- When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
- If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
- When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.
- Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
- Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
- Acupuncture: a jab well done.
- Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.
The roundest knight at king Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.- I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
- She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
- A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
- Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
- The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
- No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
- A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
- Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
- A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
- Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, ‘You stay here, I’ll go on a head.’
- I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
- A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’
- A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ‘No change yet.’
- The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
- When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
- Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.
- A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is a seasoned veteran.
- This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
- I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down!
- The Indians were here first because they had reservations.
- We’re taking a class trip to the Coca Cola bottling plant. I hope there is no pop quiz!
- The Energizer bunny has been arrested, charged with battery.
- I didn’t like my beard at first, then it grew on me.
- Broken pencils are pointless.
- I did a theatrical performance on puns: it was a play on words!
- Why does a chicken coop have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
- I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear.
- In New York a man gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.
- You’re never completely useless, you can always serve as a bad example.
- I have a stepladder, because my real ladder left when I was a kid.
- My teacher accused me of plagiarism. His words, not mine.
- I, for one, like Roman numerals.
- There is no “i” in denial
- I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I’m okay.
- What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a bike and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle? Attire.
Okay. Please post the following list of “lexophiles”, many of which are as good as the ones you have posted.
From Karen Reid:
The archeologists were digging for a statue of Julius Caesar but the result was a bust.
They knew what to expect when praying to the goddess Lakshmi, because forewarned is four-armed.
The shipmate with the gold watch was the newest hire but he turned out to be a second hand.
Autumn was supposed to be a drought but ended up a waterfall.
They found the chest full of money buried in the ‘rive droite’ because it was the Right Bank.
When they found the deer hiding in the rock pile, it was their quarry.
The politician turned out to have feet of clay, so they were about to fire him.
A fresh fish dinner two days before Easter is good fry day.
Having too many laying hens on the farm is a chicken and egg problem.
Did you hear the one about the rooster who thought he was a matador? It was a cock and bull story.
Angeleno out on a dog walk near Pt. Mugu Naval Air Station: UCLA, well ICBM.
The drunk tripped and dropped his bottle of Johnnie Walker. He couldn’t hold his liquor.
If you play Scrabble with alphabet soup letters, you might have to eat your words.
The ultimate self referential:
A scheme to trick people with funny sayings is a lexicon.
His every pronouncement was on the straight and narrow because he was the ruler.
At every ball game, he had a handle, because he was the pitcher.
The nurse hired by the famous plastic surgeon told her friends she got a great nose job.
If you are selling apes on the black market you are into monkey business.
Why is a horse like an insect? It has two legs behind and fore legs in front.
When the monkey stopped breathing, they were able to rhesusitate him.
They tried to upgrade the software, but it was just window(s) dressing.
The baker threw the shortening across the kitchen to her sous chef because they wanted to watch the butter fly.
When the horse showed up in my bedroom at 2 a.m. it was a night mare.
When the east coast doctor suggested hot bath soaks for her sore rib muscles, he was recommending the intercostal water way.
She enjoyed having sex with her boyfriend even though she knew there was a vas deferens between them.
The persistent student kept pestering the cute, young fruit seller because he wanted some dates.
From Nate Reid:
Do you carry chicken broth? Yes it’s in stock.
Sacramento’s population is bringing lots of new tax revenue: capitol gains.
Who’s that consulting company that’s really fucking us? Accenture.
What’s another name for cross pollination? Cropulation
Here about that Aboriginal musician who committed murder? Well, digeridoo it or not?
I see that wood in every home center, it must be poplar.
What does Captain Picard fear most when leaving the bathroom? Klingons
Who’s that skater that’s in the news once more? I guess we Nancy Kerrigan (ooph, not so great)
I hate how that New Zealand artist brags about her fame, she really Lordes it over you.
The mobster with the spotty past? Yeah, Domino him.
Your perfume smells divine, I should get to nose you better (Chanda’s)
From Tom Reid:
The manager of a rival British rock group got a deal when he hired Mick Jagger as a hit man — two Byrds were killed with one Stone.
The robber’s problem was that he jacked off too much — he got known as the one-armed bandit.
There was a bad attitude in the line waiting for Vietnamese soup — they called it a pho queue.
From Brian Weissman:
These puns are unbearable; they make me want to hibernate.
From Kira:
Why is that stallion running in circles? He’s just horsing around.
‘I’m still looking for a good ruler’ he said, longingly
‘Was the new astronaut excited to finally make it into space?’ ‘Yes, he was over the moon.’
‘Don’t get caught up in the avalance!’ ‘I’ll try not to, but it’s a slippery slope!’
‘I think she’s choking on her dinner.’ ‘No, she’s just got a frog in her throat.’
What part of the body is like a sandwich meat?
Below-knee!
Thanks a lot, and look forward to seeing the post. And please email me at kg_reid@yahoo.com to tell me you have posted these.
Some of those are quite good, Karen, thanks for adding those!