This, Dear Reader is a tale of disaster averted. I will use an episode in my relationship with my wife to illustrate how a little consideration before communication can avert an extended stay in the dog house. The Old Saying for this week: “Make sure the brain is in gear before engaging the mouth.”
Gender Bias
Even in our “enlightened” times where traditional roles and expectations for males and females are being rewritten, we often find that certain things are – generally speaking – reserved as hallowed ground for one gender or the other. For instance; household roles of lawn mowing, auto mechanics and operation of a large barbeque grill are almost always reserved for the family member with the highest levels of testosterone coursing through their veins, and that is usually – not always, but usually – the alpha male, Big Daddy, The Man. This is especially true if this alpha male has a long history with the particular task in question.
Frictions can arise in situations where the non-dominant gender in any arena should challenge the dominant gender of that arena. For instance, should the alpha male attempt to enlighten the pack’s females on the proper fitting of a brassiere, without being an underwear engineer with a PHD in lingerie construction, hackles will rise and fur will fly.
However, sometimes it is better, when these things come up, to set aside the base instinct reaction and employ a more reasoned response.
A Case In Point
One Sunday morning Marie and I got into the truck to go to church. I turned the key, fully expecting to hear the familiar quick rowr-rowr-rowr of the starter motor turning over the engine followed by the purr of combustion indicating a successful start. Instead all we heard was the rapid metallic fluttering of a solenoid failing to engage. I knew that sound all too well.
I’ve been working on cars since I was 8 or 9. My dad was a jet engine mechanic and did all of our auto repairs himself, and as soon as I was tall enough to see over a fender I was out there handing him wrenches and intently watching as he worked. I have worked as a mechanic for two dealerships and as a freelance mechanic until some yahoo backed a truck up to my garage while I was away and stole everything. Because I wasn’t properly insured that put me out of business. Since then I tinker, but have turned my primary focus elsewhere. But I still know a thing or two about the mechanical aspect of cars.
I explained my diagnosis to Marie; “Failed starter solenoid, maybe the starter – a bad spot in the commutator maybe but since we’ve had no trouble before that’s not likely. Solenoids can just quit suddenly.”
She asked, “Could it be the battery?”
“No, not likely. If it were a low battery the solenoid would still kick the starter onto gear with the flywheel and the starter would try to turn. The starter isn’t engaging at all. If the battery were so low it couldn’t even kick the solenoid, the interior and dash lights would dim when I turn the key. They don’t. I think it’s the solenoid.”
We went back inside. Marie went straight to the computer. I put our church things away.
A few moments later Marie stated, “The internet says that a low battery can cause the solenoid to not engage. Do you think we should just check the battery?”
Moment of Truth
Guys, if placed in this situation, how would you react? Be honest!
Most of the guys I know – not all, but most – will see the fact that their wife went to the computer for advice as a screaming statement of “I don’t trust you” or “I think you’re an idiot.” And would either get angry or sulk for the rest of the day. And I’ll admit that the animal nature in me caused a prickling in the base of my neck as the hackles began to rise. But before those prickly hackles could make the incredibly short leap from brain stem to vocal cords and gush out in some insanely stupid and insensitive burst of rebuttal, I managed to waylay them long enough to consider the situation.
1) Yes, this *looks* like a statement of distrust, or an accusation of stupidity, but is it really? Do we, the reasonable brain cells of this being, have other evidence that she does not trust us? No, not really. Have we not personally witnessed her describing us with such words as “brilliant”, “genius” and “wonderfully talented”? Yes, yes we have.
2) Can we say that we have never made a mistake or erred in judgment? Well, no, there was that one time… ok, maybe twice.
3) Have we ever, in similar situations, made a snap judgment as to her intentions and blurted out something that proved totally inaccurate and deeply hurtful? Um, well, uh… yes.
4) What can be the harm in humoring her request? Can it possibly prove so labor intensive or costly as to be worth inciting an argument? Umm… no.
Understand, dear readers, that this discussion between the 17 reasonable and enlightened cells of my brain took all of 29.378 nanoseconds and all the while there were 34 billion animal brain cells running laps around my cranium screaming and howling like a pack of wolves. It took a bit longer for the Committee of Reason to reign in enough of that wild, slobbering pack to form a coherent vocalization of, “Ok, I’ll get the battery charger.”
Vindication?
I installed the battery charger and retired to the sofa to amuse myself with some blog-hopping on the netbook. An hour later I went back out and twisted the key, fully expecting to be vindicated by the fluttering sound of a failed solenoid.
I was greeted instead by the starter spinning up and igniting a steady flow of internal combustion.
I will admit to a momentary feeling of humiliation as I admitted to myself, “OK, that’s three.”
But that passed quickly. Partly due to the fact that Marie’s request was delivered to me in a “lets look at options” manner not a “you’re an idiot” manner. Partly due to the fact that I know her to be an intelligent and well considered person. Partly because I knew that there would be no, “See; I was right, nana nana na na!” coming. She would handle it with the grace and poise that she always does. Um, I’m mean on both previous occasions.
We drove the truck into town, had the parts store check the electrical system and found the battery to be bad. It was replaced at minimal cost because it was still under warranty. And he checked the system again. Good to go.
Now that it’s all over there are a few animal brain cells baying and licking their wounded pride, but by and large the pack recognizes that this was in fact another event of successful communication between a loving couple. By taking just a few moments to consider my thoughts I avoided a moronic response that would have caused considerable, needless hurt to my beloved, and much remorse on my part.
In Summary
Guys, I can not recommend strongly enough that you too take a moment to consider your response when those prickly hackles begin to howl and lunge toward your larynx as a result of something said by wife or younglings.
Gals, how you offer alternatives and guidance is very important. Unlike you, who thrive on love and acceptance, a man’s self confidence is driven by the need for respect and a feeling of providership. When you kick that out from under us you become very hurtful.
Life is much simpler for all if we just take a moment to think before we speak.
