Nellie’s Obituary

obit-clipartOn the morning of Sunday August 3rd Nellie Notebook, faithful repository of family photos and documents and processor of all personal e-mail and internet browsing for Doug & Marie Bittinger and formerly the administrator of all bookkeeping and records keeping functions for Treasures Of Appalachia Inc., passed away.

Mr. Bittinger arrived at Nellie’s usual location in the Bittinger home dining room at 5:17 am to awaken her so they could get started on the day’s duties, but as she awoke Nellie suffered congestive hard drive failure which in turn caused her entire Operating System to fail.

C.P.R. (Control Programming Restoration) was attempted but was unsuccessful.  Life Support systems (i.e booting from the LAN) was set up but that too was unsuccessful.

Nellie is survived by her half-brother Dale Desktop who has been employed as the Bittinger family’s business computer and a new baby sister: Ipod.

Dale has agreed to step in and provide family e-mail services to keep communications open in Nellie’s absence.  A replacement for Nellie is not in the foreseeable future.

Internment is planned for Saturday morning at dawn.  The family requests that in lieu of flowers, please send dark chocolate.

Jerked by a Zerk

Today I spent three hours doing the spring maintenance on my riding mower: oil change, grease job, cleaning out the debris, checking filters, tires, etc.  All went well until I got to greasing the front wheel bearings.

Riding mower

I took the dust cover off of the first hub: no grease zerk.  That’s odd.  The manual did say not to oil or grease anything that uses a new UHMW plastic bushing.  I didn’t SEE plastic bushings, but without dismantling the front wheels I wouldn’t.  Still, no grease port: can’t grease it.  Move on.  Read more:

Flights of Humor

Recently a video of a flight attendant’s humorous safety lecture has been making the rounds of social media and she even appeared on a morning talk show.  But she is not a pioneer in this realm.

Kulula Airlines is a low cost airline with its head office situated in Johannesburg.

Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight “safety lecture” and announcements a bit more entertaining than most. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

humorous flight
On Kulula flights there is no assigned seating: you just sit where you want.  On one flight passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, “People, people we’re not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!”

—o0o—

On another flight with a very “senior” flight attendant crew, the pilot said, “Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.”    Continue reading “Flights of Humor”

A little humor: God Sends the Best

via Sons of Anarchy Motorcycle Club
via Sons of Anarchy Motorcycle Club

She hurried to the pharmacy to get medication, got back to her car and found that in her haste she had locked her keys inside.  The woman found a coat hanger left on the ground.  She looked at it and said, “I don’t know how to use this.”  She bowed her head and asked God to send her some help.

Within 5 minutes a noisy motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man who was wearing leathers and a biker skull rag.  He got off of his cycle and asked if she needed help.

She said: “Yes, my daughter is sick.  I’ve locked my keys in my car.  I must get home.  Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?”

He said, “Sure.”

He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open.

She hugged the man and through tears said, “Thank You SO Much!  You are a very nice man.”

The man replied, “Lady, I am NOT a nice man. I just got out of PRISON yesterday; I was in prison for car theft.”

The woman hugged the man again sobbing, “Oh, thank you, God!  You even sent me a Professional!”

(Note: the above story was sent to me via e-mail.  I edited it but cannot claim it as my own.  Original source is unknown.)

Humor in the Newspaper

Newsboy, newspaperLong ago I worked for two publishing companies that printed, among other things, newspapers. This was before the age of desktop publishing. A reporter would write an article, and proof read it. An editor would proof it again and edit it if needed, a typist would type it into a Trendsetter machine which turned the article into columnar print – she also proof read and corrected punctuation and grammar if needed. By the time print went to the paste-up department to be put into pages, the text had been proof read at least three times. Errors were rare.

Today: well, today is very entertaining at least. These days you have to appreciate humor anywhere you can find it.

While looking over the weekend edition of the local newspaper, Marie burst out laughing.  She brought page 13A over to show me.  There, all on one page, were the following headlines and display ads:

Continue reading “Humor in the Newspaper”

Ode to Fred – a Pet Tale

One of my wife’s co-workers recently related an attempt to teach her 10 year old son responsibility.  He wanted a puppy.  She knew a puppy was a large undertaking, so she suggested trying something a little less challenging at first; like a turtle.

turtle, pet, responsibilityShe bought a small turtle and a bowl, he named the turtle Fred.  For a while things went well and she was impressed with the amount of care and attention her son lavished on Fred.  But after a few weeks, that interest began to wane.  After a few more weeks, Fred wasn’t looking so good.  He wasn’t smelling so good either.  She suggested that her son should clean out the bowl.  He reluctantly agreed. Continue reading “Ode to Fred – a Pet Tale”

22 Aphorisms

sillinessI hope you enjoy this  Saturday Silliness spritzer with just a twist of education.

aph·o·rism
 [ áff? rìzz?m ]
Succinct comment: a brief statement expressing an opinion or a general truth. Synonyms: saying, maxim, adage, cliché, saw, dictum, precept
  1.     99 percent of lawyers give the rest of them a bad name.
  2.     Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.
  3.     The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
  4. Continue reading “22 Aphorisms”