humor – Random Thoughts

Grace and Marcie On Your Tail

There was a woman who had a son named Timmy. When Timmy was in kindergarten she would walk him to school, a few blocks away.

Halfway through the year Timmy said, “You don’t need to walk me to the door, Mom, I’m a big boy now. You wait here on the sidewalk and I’ll go up on my own.” So she’d wait on the sidewalk and watch till her son got inside.

The following year her son said, “Mom, when I start first grade, I want to walk to school on my own. I’m a big boy now, you don’t need to walk me to school.” She agreed, but was worried about leaving him on his own so young.

She had a friend who lived two doors down who was going to be walking her daughter to Kindergarten that year and the woman asked her friend if they would time their walks to and from school to allow Timmy to get out front by a half block or so and just sort of keep an eye on him without letting him know they were keeping an eye on him. Her friend said she would. Continue reading “Grace and Marcie On Your Tail”

Zen Sarcasm

I did not originate these, but I’ve collected them from various locations on the World Wide Web as I’ve encountered them. Enjoy!

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
Always remember that you’re unique: just like everyone else.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.
If you always tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
Some days you’re the bug; some days you’re the windshield.
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
Duct tape is like ‘The Force’. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
Never miss a good opportunity to shut up.

For My Fellow Lexophiles (Lovers Of Words):

The following plays on words (puns) have been around the internet for some time. I cannot claim any of them as original (mine), only collected here for your enjoyment.

A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.
A will is a dead giveaway.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.
A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat miner.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
When chemists die they barium.
You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
A calendar’s days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted: ‘Taint yours, and ‘taint mine.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture: a jab well done.
Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.
The roundest knight at king Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, ‘You stay here, I’ll go on a head.’
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ‘No change yet.’
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is a seasoned veteran.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down!
The Indians were here first because they had reservations.
We’re taking a class trip to the Coca Cola bottling plant. I hope there is no pop quiz!
The Energizer bunny has been arrested, charged with battery.
I didn’t like my beard at first, then it grew on me.
Broken pencils are pointless.
I did a theatrical performance on puns: it was a play on words!
Why does a chicken coop have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear.
In New York a man gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.
You’re never completely useless, you can always serve as a bad example.
I have a stepladder, because my real ladder left when I was a kid.
My teacher accused me of plagiarism. His words, not mine.
I, for one, like Roman numerals.
There is no “i” in denial
I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I’m okay.
What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a bike and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle? Attire.

Squirrel Revenge

squirrel crime scene — Scene of the crime

Marie and I were sitting on the front steps this afternoon watching the birds at the bird feeder. Marie commented that she put some gourmet bird food (includes nuts) in the feeder, she was surprised a squirrel hadn’t camped out on the thing.

No sooner were those words out of her mouth than a squirrel came hopping along the ground through the trees. He hopped up and climbed the metal pole the bird feeder hangs from and began to chow down. I went out and chased him off.

Marie said, “I should put some cooking oil on the pole.” Continue reading “Squirrel Revenge”

Valentine’s Day Tech Support

Valentine’s Day is just around the corner and I came across this humorous look at romance and marriage that melds l’amour and technology. I did not create this (I don’t know who did) but decided I’d share it with you. Enjoy!

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance — particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.5 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command: “http: I Thought You Loved Me.htm” and try to download Tears 6.2. Don’t forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, over-use of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background, that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).

Also, do not attempt to install the Boyfriend 6.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 6.9

Good Luck,
Tech Support

Professional Jargon and the Turbo Encabulator

Those who work within an industry tend to develop a jargon of their own to express ideas quickly. Sometimes these are scientific terms, sometimes they are slang used as short hand, sometimes they are acronyms spoken out as words. As long as these folks are in their own element, communication is fine. Put a few of them in a crowd of the non-initiated, and most of the on-lookers end up bewildered. “What language are they speaking?!”

This can happen with motor heads, computer geeks, programmers, sports nuts, and medical professionals. Here is a fun look at what may be the very best example of confusing people with jargon. Below the video is the explanation of who this fellow is and how this short film came about.

This is the first time Turbo Encabulator was recorded with picture. It was shot in the late 70’s at Regan Studios in Detroit on 16mm film. The narrator and writer is Bud Haggert. He was the top voice-over talent on technical films. Continue reading “Professional Jargon and the Turbo Encabulator”

National Mutt Day

Celebrate National Mutt Day in the USA on July 31 and December 2. This is a fun celebration of mixed breed dogs. Created in 2005 by celebrity pet and family life expert, Colleen Paige, National Mutt Day brings awareness to the plight of mixed breed dogs in shelters around the country and encourages people to adopt shelter dogs rather than buy “designer dogs” from puppy mills.

Did you know that mixed breed dogs: Continue reading “National Mutt Day”

Toilet Paper Debate Resolved

The ongoing debate over toilet paper orientation seems to have been answered more than a century ago.

According to an 1891 patent by New York businessman Seth Wheeler, the end of a toilet paper roll should be on the front, or in the “over” position. Advocates of the “off-the-back” position, please take note and flip that roll over when you get home. The science has been settled, the guy who invented the stuff says so.

Mr. Wheeler, the man behind the Albany Perforated Wrapping Paper Company, is also the reason we’re able to tear off perfect squares in the first place: Albany Perforated originally patented the idea for perforated “wrapping” paper (a more modest name for toilet paper) in 1871.

“My invention … consists in a roll of wrapping paper with perforations on the line of the division between one sheet and the next, so as to be easily torn apart, such roll of wrapping paper forming a new article of manufacture,” Wheeler’s 1871 parent read.

Routine

They say that human beings (most living things really) are creatures of habit. I know a few people who claim they hate being locked into a routine and would much prefer to live spontaneous and free. Perhaps they’re exceptions to the rule; perhaps they’re only fooling themselves regarding the construction of their lives. As for me: I like routine. An established routine is like a warm blanket that gives me security by knowing where I will be and what I will be doing. Normally. Life is never quite that simple. Perhaps if I were an inmate in a prison, but in life as a free citizen: stuff happens. Continue reading “Routine”

Gone Mater Hunting

Blondie n me got up early and went mater hunting this morning. We knowed of a spot where they hang out. We got where we figured they’d be and sure enough: a whole bunch of ‘em just baskin’ in the sun an bein’ lazy.

We crept into the place real quiet like. It was still cool enough they weren’t stirring yet. Maters can be mean, sos ya gotta sneak up on em from down-wind. We’d creep up and reach out slow and easy, then – SNATCH! We’d whip one away quick, break its neck and stuff it in the bag.

Most never knew what hit ‘em, a few though; they put up a tussle. An’ one: I thought that one had me, but Blondie grabbed hold of my pant leg and pulled me back safe.

When we got a bag full we totted ‘em on home. There I fixed up a big pot of boilin water to dunk ‘em in for a short spell: that loosens their hide ya know, so yas don’t waste so much meat gittin it off’n em. We dunked ‘em in the boilin’ water then into cold water, then we could skin ‘em out easy.

Then we cut out their heart: tain’t no good to no one anyhow. An’ split open their belly to scoop out their goopy guts. They ain’t no good neither.

That left us with a good carcass of meat that we chunked up an’ put on ice. We’ll cook all that up tomorrow. We’ll make some mater soup, then can up the rest to use fer soup or stew, or it can be cooked down and used in lots of different ways.

Yessir, mater meat is good eatin’ – an thar ain’t much more fun than a day mater hunting.